Your neoprene facemask wore out and the company that made it closed down because additives in their products where causing blindness. You need a new neck warmer, but your muggy breath means normal fleece turns to a snot-frozen crust. Lucky for people like you, Turtle Fur makes a mask with an exhaust port. It’s supposed to prevent fog from building in your goggles—you’re better off with the fog, more excuses.

The UpSki is a parachute that’s supposed to drag your lazy ass up the mountainside so you don’t have to skin up. I would image that if you’re too lazy to skin up, then you’ll probably be too lazy to learn how to properly use the UpSki. My advice—try to find a mountain without any cliffs for this thing to drag you over—that or stick to the lifts.

via snow hugger

About 75 miles east of Chicago a surf shop for people who have never have to sit in crowded lineups or fight for waves is slinging boards and renting gear to Midwesters. The Third Coast Surf Shop might not inspire anyone to leave the left coast for fresh water waves, but it’s certainly a hub for the Midwest surfing scene. If you’re looking for a little inspiration, check out the surf documentary Unsalted; A Great Lakes Experience.

Earth Creations thinks organic cotton shirts are for pansies. Real earthy people dye their hemp shirts and organic linen pants with clay. Earth Creations says they’ve revived an ancient clay dying process—but did they ever think that ancient people gave up clay dyeing for a good reason? Maybe the ancients got sick of taking their shirts off to find tie-dyed clay patterns sweated into their skin.

There’s obviously a tendency in the outdoor industry to boost your product’s features. You want to fill out the roster—no one really reads that litany of product features, they just look to see which has the most. Sadly, the backpack maker Ogio couldn’t resist listing, “Internal flash light clip” on their Patrol Pack description. Notice that “flashlight” is two words in their specifications. Why would a ski ‘troller need a flashlight? As if any backpack doesn’t have enough room for a flashlight.

Walking in crusty snow with the MSR Denali Snowshoes is like walking over half-frozen bog. These plastic snowshoes might be easy to get on and off with their rubber-band bindings, but they’re also more awkward to walk on than stilts. Don’t forget to pick up some floatation tails so you can feel like you’re walking on water.

RBH Designs VaprThrm Insulated Socks might look like an entry in a High School science fair, but they also might be the only things that save your toes. Made for Arctic expeditions, the VaprThrm Socks cost $36 and they work as a vapor barrier and insulating layer. Custom versions are available for $6 extra. Enjoy wiping the moisture off your feet when you get done hiking—at least it won’t be in your boots.

via Expedition Equipment

No one ever used them during snowboarding’s early days, but Steger Mukluks have been around for ages. They feel like you have them on the wrong feet the first time you pull them on—that’s because there’s no specific left and right. Ad a set of Superfeet so you don’t have to walk like a duck. Steger only began selling their boots online last winter, before that they were all made to order. The only bad news is you won’t be cool since they’re not Uggs—that and everyone will tell you your shoes are on the wrong feet.

Need your boots dry but the power company shut down your electricity? The Peet Shoe Dryer runs on propane canisters so you can use in your house or out in your backyard while standing around in your socks—better get a sock dryer, too.

You could blow $650 on a complete track bike, but you know you would end up looking just like all the other hipster dufuses on your street. A custom frame from Clockwork Bikes will cost you about $650, including their Urban Track frame with a lower top tube. The bikes are all built to fit—you can check out the step-by-step process in Clockwork’s building gallery.

The Coleman Adult Love Seat is a 4.5-foot-long inflatable couch for your campsite. You don’t have to hike with it inflated or spend half the night hyperventilating since Coleman makes a hand pump to inflate it. Coleman thoughtfully added cup holders to both armrests since you’d have to be half in the bag to be seen on this thing. Remember not to pull it too close to the fire.

Jackson Hole based Mountain Khakis makes burly canvas pants that fall somewhere between Carhartts and Patagonia Stand-Up Pants. The good news is that Mountain Khakis still look good enough to wear in the city, and people there won’t even think you’re an organic farmer.